Learning To Let Go

Sometimes life does not go our way; sometimes we have to give up things in our life that we really care about. As humans we tend to get these ideas in our heads of how we want to live our lives. From the time that we start school, we are taught to dream big, aim for the stars, and never give up. That’s the American way right? If you want something, go after it, and NEVER let anybody tell you that you can’t have it.

I’m a very independent lady, and when I set a goal I’m determined to reach it. I too have set this picture in my head of how things should turn out and what I want to be doing with my life ten years from now, like seriously, I’ve got it planned right down to what I’ll eat for breakfast (a bit extreme, I know). Many of the goals I have set are actually becoming a reality. I’m a full time college student completely financed by scholarships, I own my own business, and I’ve been given the opportunity to do some traveling. However I’ve also had plans that were completely dashed. Personal changes that I did not expect. I thought God was leading me down a certain path and then all of a sudden that path just collapsed and suddenly I found myself having to turn around, feeling totally lost.

I didn’t understand why things weren’t working out the way I wanted and I was angry. After a while I got to the point where I could look back and see where I had taken a wrong turn but I still wanted my way to work out. Even though I knew that God had something better planned, I couldn’t seem to let go of what I wanted. I became bitter and couldn’t think about anything else. It was not pretty. I hated feeling this way but didn’t know how to snap out of it. I didn’t understand; if God didn’t plan for my life to go in that direction then why did I miss it and still want it so badly? I began to pray, asking God for some sort of relief. Whether that be through allowing things to work out the way I wanted, or making me happy with the way things are now, or showing me what his better plans were… I just needed something! At first nothing changed, and the depressing mood continued, not to mention everything else in my life seemed to be falling apart at the same time. Some of my grades in school were pretty bad, my aunt passed away, I got in a car accident, my baby sister had to go through some medical tests, etc., etc. At this point it wasn’t getting any better and I still didn’t understand any more than I had before. Every time I tried to be happy something would happen and in the blink of an eye I would be angry all over again. It was tearing me apart.

Finally, after about three months, I had found a way to keep myself busy enough to push the negative thoughts to the back of my head. I focused on working hard in school, having fun spending time with my friends, and working on growing my business. During the day I was doing a decent job of putting a smile on my face, but it was a chore and by the end of the day I’d be exhausted, emotionally as well as physically. I didn’t have the strength to keep going this way.

I commute to school every day and it takes me about 35-40 minutes each way. So I often spend this alone time talking to God. It works well because I can talk out loud as if he is sitting in the passenger seat and it also helps me to stay awake when I’m tired. It was during this time that I was talking to him, when I finally started to hear some answers. I was asking why I couldn’t have what I wanted so badly. Lately Corinthians chapter 13 had been on my mind a lot and as I was once again thinking about it, the different characteristics of love kept running through my mind. Patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, is not proud, does not dishonor others, is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrong, does not delight in evil, rejoices in truth, always hopes, always trusts, always perseveres, never fails. I was arguing with God that he had taken something away from me that I loved, yet none of these characteristics described how I had been acting and I realized that if had really loved this thing then I needed to let it go. I needed to be patient and kind, hopeful and trusting in whatever God had planned. I still don’t understand. I still wish things had turned out differently, but I’m learning to let go and let God be the one to make the plans. I thought all these things that had happened weren’t fair, but it was my attitude that was the problem all along. And you know what? I’m beginning to see how this bad is being used for good. I’ve made mistakes and I can’t change that but I can learn from those choices, and in that, grow closer in my relationship with Jesus.

I pray that whatever it is you might be going through. If there is something you can’t have right now,  that you will be able to place it in God’s hands and allow him to work in your life as he has in mine.

Blessings,

Sarah

                                       “It is not what happens TO me, it is what happens IN me.”

                                                                                                                          -          John Maxwell

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
                                                                                                  - Proverbs 3:5-6